Yes, I do cry!

I have been in pain for 19 years, you do learn to live with it to a degree but never fully.
The last 5 years have been the worst, my pain has increased to a point where I cannot function, it has engulfed my existence!

I spend most of my time in bed or on the settee and I’m stuck at home 99% of the time, I’m very fortunate to have an amazing wife and two daughters who are 22 and 20 and I am well looked after. There are times when the pain gets to a level where I should really seek help from a doctor but I hate hospital and so I ride it out. Its not this that makes me cry though.
Mostly it’s at night, my wife is asleep and I lay there awake and its also the worst time-worn pain. There is nothing to distract from the pain in the dark silence of the night, just me laid there and the different types of pain. The nerve pain (I know, all pain is from nerves) that is like lightning ripping through my legs, the muscles pain that is an intense dull ache like pain that drives me insane and then the joint pain, grinding or burning throughout every joint from and including the hips down to my toes. 
The reason I sometimes cry at night is because I know there is no end, that there is nothing that will help and despite the fact that I am laid beside my wife, I feel alone. I’m not ashamed to cry, I am being tested like never before and I’m not sure I will pass!
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What I am ashamed of is that I wish that maybe an accident would paralyse me from the waist down and so I wouldn’t be in pain anymore, using a wheelchair doesn’t bother me, it is just the pain. I know that without the pain I could go back to work and that is something I yearn to do, I miss the social aspect of being at work and having colleagues. I also hate that I am reliant on welfare, people look down on you and think you are just bloody lazy, people treat you like a second class citizen and this useless government is always attacking those on welfare and the media does a damn good job of confirming the government’s views. I remember back to when I worked for the MoD, I worked hard and I loved the work, the excitement of using weaponry that had been the object of my childhood dreams. I miss being part of that team, working, talking, laughing and just being a part of society. So when I spend everyday sat on the settee.

I feel like my life is over and yet I’m still alive.

Until next time!

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