I love Sci-Fi and I am a huge fan of Star Trek and Jean-Luc Picard is without doubt one of the finest Captains of NCC-1701-D The USS Enterprise.

And so when I heard that there was a new spin off series called Star Trek Picard, I was going to watch it even before I knew the story line!

It is yet another show brought to us by Amazon Video and we watch Amazon as we have the Amazon Prime membership and I am glad we do, because the programmes are getting better and better and many are in UHD.

But back to Picard!

I found Star Trek Picard using a voice search on the remote of our Amazon Fire Box and sat down to watch it.

In a scene Picard is slightly injured and wakes on the settee in his home ‘Château Picard’ and speaks these words

Sitting here all these years, nursing my offended dignity
Writing books of history people prefer to forget
I never asked anything of myself at all

I haven’t been living, I have been waiting to die!

Jean-Luc Picard (Sir Patrick Stewart OBE) Star Trek Picard Season 1 Episode 1

I pressed rewind or rather as it is on Amazon, go back 10 seconds, I then listened to Jean-Luc speak those words again and pressed pause …

Pause Icon

The words spoken on Star Trek Picard echo in my mind, I sit, myself also on pause, the words have been felt, they have resonated with me!

Yes I suffer from a physical disability, but mentally now I am starting to understand myself better, able to look upon past events with a calm mind and I can see what I have done to myself.

Sitting here all these years, nursing my offended dignity. I haven’t been living, I have been waiting to die!

I was served a great deal of injustice, some of it by people who were meant to be friends and fellow parishioners and I continued to allow that hurt to eat away at me and cause me more damage than was done by them.

That is just one or rather two events where I have suffered at the hands of others, it happened at school and cost me my education because I chose to avoid those that gave me such a hard time, the bullies.

I also suffered because of me and in the late 80’s started suffering severe anxiety attacks and told no one because it wasn’t spoken of back then and I left a job I loved and went into the same role elsewhere and was doomed to fail in training because I wasn’t mentally strong enough any more!

Many of us do this, we get hurt and our brains then replay over and over for weeks, months, even years. We lay there at night going over the events and no amount of thinking will change what happened.

I withdrew from society, I shut myself away in a bid to stop further hurt and yet I was still vulnerable because of negative thought patterns. I guess it could be classed as self harm because that is what I was doing!

Luckily I am now thinking clearer than I have done in many, many years, part of that is therapy but that just gave me the key to recovery. I have improved because meditation has taught me to control my thoughts but I would say that the main change has been since I started using CBD.

But this mental freedom comes at a cost.

I can now see the damage I have done to myself and to my family, we have all suffered because of my mental health. No holidays because of anxiety, a period many years ago with anger issues, my physical health has also suffered because I have locked myself away and yes part of that is because of physical health issues but I do think that I gave in on me and ‘Sitting here all these years, nursing my offended dignity. I haven’t been living, I have been waiting to die!

I wasted too many years replaying the past and losing the present!

But I am better now, I am able to dismiss the negative thoughts when they pop into my head when I lay awake at night because of physical health issues.

There is no point going over it again and again, all that will do is reinforce the negative thoughts and allow it to continue to hurt me.

Now when these memories are replayed in my head, I simply say to myself “Nothing I can do about it now, the past can’t hurt me any more!” and I dismiss the thoughts.

By Zechariah Richardson

Over 50, disabled, husband, father and gramps who reviews products and writes blog posts about his life, beekeeping, gardening and whatever pops into his brain!

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