I am not sure when I stopped going out, but we are talking years!
The main reason is the high pain levels that are always there and it is often difficult to get out without pushing them even further up.
However I can see that there was a point where I gave in and stopped trying!
My mental health has been dodgy since 1990 and I have had periods like most with mental health problems where I am feeling good and then the next moment I have hit rock bottom.
This is affected by events and unfortunately I have received some very bad treatment from people who are clearly, well I won’t add a description but you get the idea.
So these instances have also played a massive part in me withdrawing from society and just socialising via social media and I much prefer it. Anyone who starts to act in a way that is offensive and a click takes care of them!
I have also struggled because prolonged periods of time spent in my wheelchair push the pain levels right up, but the new wheelchair from RGK doesn’t and so I am hoping that I will be going out more.
But there is no doubt that I have gotten used to being sat indoors, with no social life and only seeing close family.
Inside I yearn to be out on a windswept hill in the middle of nowhere or sat watching the waves crash on some rugged shore but that is it, I do not miss being amongst people, I have tried that and have only been left mentally bruised on many occasions.
And I know I am not alone, behind many doors there is sat a person who never or rarely ventures out. A person who quite possibly was someone who was respected, who played a part in other peoples lives but now they sit alone with just the TV to stop the silence becoming too much!
When you first become unwell or disabled, people show care, they visit and ask how you are and verbally feed you the goings on in a world you once were part of.
But slowly they stop coming, the time in between visits becomes longer and this is because they still have a life but also because we become boring. The “how are you?” is always met with the same reply of how much pain we are in or what symptoms are troublesome daily.
Suddenly we become lost to society, forgotten and the same can happen to those who gave up their part in society to care for us!
I am so very grateful for social media, it is my social life and I am guaranteed to laugh at, at least one post per day and that is a medicine for the soul.
Online I can appear as I want to appear and at least live in a digital world where people respond as if I am a normal person.
But I know that it isn’t enough, I know that the life I live isn’t a good one.
Have I given in?