I have never really hidden who I am or what I go through, its obvious to anyone who knows me that I am the living dead, my life died but I am still alive here at home, stuck indoors 95% or more of the time.
I am a man, a broken man but no less a man and I still have that “chest out macho attitude”, I have recently stopped shaving and my goatee is now engulfed in a thick inch or so long beard and a beard is supposed to signify a strong man. I have been seeking info on how to tend to my facial hair and it has led me to join a group for bearded men, I have now encountered people who don’t know me and so like most men you have that pride and the need to appear strong.
I am 6′ 4″ and 20 plus stone and yet I am weak, pain has broken me as has the way was treated several years back when I lost my job, my friends, my respect. Of course there is no doubt that anyone who crosses me is likely to be told exactly how I feel and exactly how I will react if things continue.
The general view is that anyone who isn’t working is a scrounger, this adds to the pressure of coping with chronic pain every minute of every day and I miss going to work and being a proud man and I miss the comradeship that you get when you work with other means I miss the humour of a group of working men.
The one thing I won’t do is hide what is happening to me, I am honest and I share what my life is like and I’m not afraid to admit that pain has often reduced me to tears and the fact that I think about suicide at least once a week, I won’t do anything though because my life belongs to my wife and children and I won’t take the easy way out.