I finished reading my book, turned to my wife to say goodnight and turned the light out.
I then had started to feel very anxious, I was scared, scared that my health was so bad now and scared that I was no longer in control and that I was in serious trouble!
On Sunday we watched Countryfile, it isn’t something I watch now as it just lowers my mood because I can’t get out to those beautiful places. I spent some time in Wales as a child at my Nan’s house and I loved the mountains, the views, the fresh air and just everything about being there.
So yesterday I said to my wife that we should look into having a holiday, not necessarily Wales and we agreed that as we have never been to the Lake District, that it would be ideal, it has the views for sure and the rolling hills.
We live in Essex, in Southend on Sea and I rarely leave the house, my view is of other houses. I went out on Saturday with my wife to the supermarket as we needed the basics like loo roll, milk and bread and it left me feeling very unwell and so my wife expressed concern that the drive to the Lake District would leave me having a flare up and then we would have the journey back and another flare up!
So last night as I laid there ready to go to sleep, I had a wave of anxiety, scared that I may never go anywhere else again and that my health was so bad and I started to worry about, well the end, death!
I am very lucky, my wife is amazing, very supportive and after 28 years she knows me far too well and she said “what’s wrong?”. Yes even in the dark, with her back to me, she knew something was wrong!
We chatted and I suddenly realised that I had given up!
After my knee replacement in 2010, the pain doubled and I was in worse shape than before the surgery and so I told the consultant that I wanted an amputation, >story here< and basically I fought a lot and they kept saying no and it affected my mental health and so I gave in after a few years and I realise now that I also gave in, gave in!
The orthopaedic team discharged me as they said they couldn’t help and so did the Pain Management clinic and Physiotherapy and I was told my GP would take it from there. Yes the hospital couldn’t figure out how to help me, what was exactly wrong and so I was cast out.
I think it has been about 3 years now where I have not gone out except for GP appointments and very very occasionally a trip to the supermarket, but really 99% of the time I get out of bed sit on the settee and then go back to bed at the end of the day and this has meant that my level of fitness has almost hit rock bottom!
So now I know, well I guess I always knew but tried to fool myself I was okay, I can try and get my fitness levels up and see if I can get out more. It won’t be easy, because I know from the summer where I got in the pool, an hour of just floating around left me in flare up for 3 days and so it is going to have to be very gentle and gradual.
I know it is no use asking the doctor about some rehab, because our local hospitals don’t have those sort of facilities really and certainly don’t have the funds anymore.
We can’t afford to go swimming at the local pool which is a shame as swimming is perfect and very gentle and a great way to build strength and fitness levels and so we are going to use yoga and also a few times a week I will get out in my wheelchair for a push to increase my fitness there. I used to be able to push a good few miles without any worry but now once round the block is a marathon.
So today is day one!