Most days I am battling with chronic pain and fatigue and I wonder if I will be able to make it through the day.

Pain levels go from ‘that really hurts’ to being reduced to tears and not being able to function and I hold back on taking too much Oramorph as I hate the feeling I get when I take high doses.

And I need high doses because I am very opiate tolerant!

Fatigue is a big problem, I get good days when I can do extra but I also get days where making it through the day is the hardest thing I have every done.

I like many other people with a chronic health condition refer to myself as a ‘Spoonie’ and we measure our energy reserves in spoons because of The Spoon Theory!

There are times when it becomes very hard and currently it is one of those times.

My daughter (age 25) is in hospital, she went in yesterday (Saturday) after being discharged last Thursday. It is no shock that she is back in because they didn’t sort it, they just got her pain levels down and discharged her to be seen as an outpatient.

She has an infection in her gallbladder and the possibility that there is a gallstone stuck in the bile duct and she needs an MRI and then if that is the case, an endoscopy to sort it.

3 year old grand daughter asleep in my arms

So we have our grandchildren with us, they are age 5, 3 and 1 and I love them so much but oh wow, I am losing spoons at a rate that isn’t manageable and I know that I am in deficit because I am using spoons I don’t have.

It amazes me how I keep going, I have explained it to my family like being on a treadmill you can’t get off and when you feel like you are about to collapse, someone comes along and turns the speed up.

5 year old grandson

But it has to be done, it is only temporary and I will just keep pushing through until she is better and then I can worry about collapsing!

Of course there is the risk that it will happen before, but we will deal with it if, well when it happens.

So I am feeling like I have run a couple of marathons, been in the ring with a pro cage fighter and had my brain filled with custard.

So I guess it is crazy that I have written a blog post but for me writing down life’s struggles is extremely cathartic. I am however cutting down my online time and staying away from Facebook and the reviews have taken a back seat, they need doing but it is family first!

1 year old grand daughter

It is also frustrating because our daughter is in hospital and it doesn’t matter that she is 25, she is still our little girl and we hate not being able to be there for her. I know my wife is struggling with not being able to visit and offer her support and, well just be a Mum!

So for now it’s a case of just offering support by having the grand kids and making sure they are okay, It is after all a big upset to them knowing Mum is in hospital but not fully understanding.

It’s all good fun (not) and just the everyday life of a spoonie!

By Zechariah Richardson

Over 50, disabled, husband, father and gramps who reviews products and writes blog posts about his life, beekeeping, gardening and whatever pops into his brain!

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