I have always liked a moan or so my wife tells me but I actually used to be quite social and enjoyed a good laugh, well that was until pain changed me. Pain has made me unbearable!
My mum used to often say to me when I was a kid “I have had it up to here” whilst gesturing to her forehead and it’s a good way to explain how I feel and how pain has changed me.
We can all mentally handle a certain amount and that could be dealing with finances, traffic, people, bad news etc. Being in pain means that I struggle daily to keep on going, I am tired and I really honestly actually don’t know how I keep going and pain means that I have already had my fill of what I can handle.
So when I moan or verbally explode over what people perceive as being trivial, it’s because I literally can’t handle anymore, a pint of water isn’t much in a 500 pint container but if that already full than that small amount of water is just going to spill over and that is what happens with me on quite a regular basis.
I totally understand that this must make being around me quite difficult, I know I couldn’t put up with me!
I have tried to address this but the problem is that when I wake up, I wake up in more pain than I would wish on an enemy and already I’m wondering how I’m going to get through another day. I guess the truth is that I don’t get through the day, I crash through it just trying to make it until bedtime, then of course the pain doesn’t stop, I fact it gets worse because there are no distractions at night.
It was last night that I suddenly realised that I am most likely unbearable, yes I have to get through the day coping with pain, but my family have to get through the day with me and that’s without medication.
My grandad died when I was seven, we lived with him and he had a room downstairs in what was the dining room. He wasn’t well and he was grouchy, a treat for me would be to sit with him and watch TV and he would have Old Jamaica Rum chocolate and he would drink Lift lemon tea, to this day that chocolate reminds me of him sat there watching Hawaii Five O on the TV. Even though he was grouchy I have fond memories because he was after all my grandad, but I swore that I wouldn’t be like that with my grandchildren and now I am just like him and I understand why now.
I start everyday thinking that today I won’t moan about anything, but by midday I have almost always broken that pledge. The problem is that I don’t see how I can change things because I have been told the pain is untreatable and as time goes by, the problem is getting worse as my hips worsen and all the other joints in my body seem intent on being like my knees.
I guess this situation isn’t unique, I expect that many other people who have chronic pain will understand and I expect there will be some that still somehow manage to be happy despite the pain. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a constant thunder cloud, there are times when I laugh and joke but those moments will definitely be overshadowed by the times when I am a miserable old bastard.
I would like to change this but for now I am more than happy just making it through each day and to all those that have to be around me, I’m so very sorry. I wish wasn’t such a pain in the arse!