It is strange how much difference one second can make, this time the difference between me feeling okay and then once again depression striking!
We were sat in bed on New Years Eve, we had watched TV till gone 11pm and so decided we might as well stay awake and see the New Year in, after all we would likely be woken up by the fireworks anyway.
I felt okay, sure I was having a flare up due to visitors over Christmas but I was generally feeling not too bad mentally, a little low but okay.
23:59:59 – 31/12/2018
00:00:00 – 01/01/2019
Depression slaps me in the face!
Okay it wasn’t quite one second, but I laid there and the previous year was replayed in my head, another difficult year, housebound, in constant pain and the struggles of poor finances etc.
A year long battle!
Now ahead of me another year, another battle except now I am battle worn from all the previous years.
So for the past two days I have made Eeyore seem practically joyful!
I did try to face it head on and for some stupid reason I thought an honest post on social media would be a good idea but I forgot that there was the chance that someone would use that post to have a dig and I wasn’t let down.
That was far from helpful and made matters worse.
When you are feeling like this it doesn’t take very much to make things worse, we are not as thick skinned when running low.
I expect that many other people who live the chronic life have also struggled with the turn of the clock, the thought of having to do it all over again being just too much.
And yet time, the gregorian calender that we follow is merely made up by man and it in fact changes nothing.
Maybe it is harder because at least December gives us a chocolate calender with something to look forward to everyday.
Just me then!
I know that mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. I keep telling people that, but the problem is that I have all the right words to advise people and help them to keep on treading the weary path, but for some reason I still don’t listen myself.
I feel quite pathetic, I feel that any moment I could just cry. Yep all 6′ 4″ and 20st of me is now reduced to a wreck that might cry if a soppy advert comes on the TV.
I guess it’s BBC for now then!
Hopefully this is just temporary, I have been here before and during a total mental breakdown back in 1999 I was given the tools to help and so I am hoping that it is just a blip and then I will rise to once more only be on the verge of depression.
I am also aware that it is not easy on family, certainly my wife will have that feeling of dread as she has to live with me and has suffered when I had the breakdown all those years ago.
For me, blogging is extremely cathartic and just by putting it all into words, I find it slightly easier. Even if no one actually reads it!
Happy New Year I hope 2019 is kind to you!