Yep New year, same old spoonie life!
A New year is meant to bring hope, the possibility of a new year that brings you the things you want, a chance to make this new year the best one ever.
However, if like me you stuck because of chronic illness or disability or a nice little cocktail of the two. Well then it is just a reminder that another year has gone by, a year that was hard, long and where life carried on whilst you were sat in the dry dock!
I know, I know, oh look, Zec is feeling sorry for himself, get a grip man!
I wish it was that easy, this year it will be ten years since the final blow to my knees, eight years since the consultants refused my request of an amputation and persuaded me somehow to have this knee replacement. (more info)
It’s the 25th January and I think I have probably left the house 25 times in the last two years!
Like a roller coaster, I have my ups and downs, at times I am very strong and I can handle the pain and the monotony of every day being either in bed or on the settee. I make out that I am happy, I joke and laugh and the YouTube reviews are me taking a deep breath, smiling and pretending I am okay for a few minutes!
In reality, I don’t know how I have kept going for so long, I don’t know how I will keep going.
A grown man, 6′ 4″, 20st (maybe a bit more) who lays there and cries because it’s like being trapped, there is no way out, but I also feel guilty for feeling that way because of friends who have died young and I am at least alive.
I have an amazing wife, I couldn’t have done any better, I have two daughters, a grandson and a granddaughter and because of them I keep going. But, I do often lay there in the dark and think if I should throw the towel in, give up, finally put an end to pain. Of course I won’t, it is unfair to end my pain and pass on an unbearable pain to my family!
Social media helps, it is my social life, but it also reminds me of what I am missing out on. I see people posting about work, being out, going places, going anywhere and I yearn to be able to do a fraction of that.
Two days before new year and three days after, my pain just dropped, we don’t know why and I foolishly allowed hope to creep in. I allowed myself to believe that it had gone, that I could grab the bottom rung of the ladder and pull myself out of this hole. I planned to start Yoga to improve my physical state, I planned to get out and once more be a part of society.
Then one night whilst sat in bed reading, just like someone flicking on a switch…….the pain came back.
I think that made it harder, I am angry at myself for allowing myself to have hope.
So it’s back on with the mask, just smile and wave, smile and wave boys, because people don’t want to know. People don’t want to hear about shit like this, it’s too depressing, too real.