Laid in bed

Its Wednesday 10.20am and I am still laid in bed!

Back when I was working, this was something I longed for and yet now I long to be at work. Last night as I was getting into bed a loud double clonking sound came from my knee, this was accompanied by huge amounts of pain and some words that turned the air blue. Its a regular occurrence but I can never tell when it is likely to happen and I can’t make my knee do it (not that I would), it can happen at any moment and with the slightest movement of the joint. I can be sound asleep and suddenly I’m woken by massive e amounts of pain. The orthopaedic consultant has said to me “it can’t hurt, its a metal knee” and yet it does hurt. It doesnt help that when he examines my leg and manipulates it, it doesn’t produce the clonk.

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This is the one thing that I really struggle with, yes I have constant nerve pain but I can cope with that to some degree. I have described it to the consultant at pain clinic like this, imagine if someone walked around behind you all the time just shouting “boo”, it would drive you mad but you would get use to it even though it was horrible, that’s my nerve pain. Now imagine someone suddenly and unexpectedly jumping out and shouting “boo”, it makes you jump and if you are like me, it makes me swear, that’s my clonking knee. Its quite a bad explanation but it’s all I could come up with!

I have asked three or more orthopaedic consultants to amputate my left leg, so far they have refused saying that the oath they took as a doctor was to do no harm, unfortunately its my strong belief that not doingnit is causing me harm. They have explained how I will still most likely be in pain and that I might get phantom limb pain, however I get nerve pain now but by taking the leg off, I will no longer have to suffer the clonk.

I have spent countless hours looking into how I can get them to amputate, I have watched videos and I have spoken to people who have had an amputation to understand how it affects you. One guy was in the same position as me, he was disabled and unable to do very much but after the amputation and lots of rehab, he is now active once again and has even walked up Snowdon.

So for now, I am laid up whilst the world carries on around me, as time goes by my health deteriorates and I become worse and worse off.

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