Its eleven o’clock at night and I’m laid here awake, my wife has fallen asleep and she will be a bit fed up that I’m saying her snoring sounds like a horn warthog, I chose the warthog because if I said pig, then she would be twice as angry!
I’m awake and on my tablet because my pain is high and it feels like the time I was hit by a car whilst crossing the road when I was seventeen, I dont think the pain is worse than it was a couple of hours ago, but then I was watching television and talking to my wife. When the lights go out and the house is quiet, there is nothing to distract from the pain and so it feels worse. So I lay here browsing the internet and tonight obviously writing this, hopefully I will eventually become so tired that I will get some sleep.
Its also to stop me from laying there and dwelling on the past, missed opportunities, mistakes and the fact that I am now unable to do the things that I always hoped I would one day. I learnt to play golf as a teenager, I caddied for my step-dad and sometimes on a warm summer evening we would go to the club and he would teach me, I also had lessons. However I decided I would leave golf until I was older, I don’t know why? I just thought it would be something I would do in my 40’s and so I never got to properly enjoy the game. I also believed that one day I would go away on a real adventure, kayak the Amazon or drive across a desert, climb Kilimanjaro or survive in some remote location and now I’m not able to. I also think about the fact that despite the fact that I trained and worked as a firefighter, I walked away from the job and that has haunted me ever since. Things that I shouldn’t worry about but I do because I can’t sleep, the pain makes my mood low and so I beat myself up about things that can’t be changed.
Living with chronic pain is tiring, mainly because it is a battle physically and mentally, the disturbed sleep and the fact that it’s a roller coaster ride. Sometimes I feel strong and I’m determined that this won’t beat me, it’s a rough patch and when I’m feeling better, I will accomplish something or they might find a way to switch people’s pain off. Other times I’m low and I don’t know how I’m going to battle on, it’s not a condition that’s going to get better but it’s also not going to kill me and so I could possibly be in pain for another 30 years.
However I am alive, I have a gorgeous wife (despite her snoring), two amazing daughters and a grandson and despite my health, that makes me a lucky man!
Until next time!