I sit in the corner and people looking at me likely think I look miserable, grumpy, intolerant and it has even been said many times.

Grumpy old git

But the truth is that I don’t want to be this way, but pain and fatigue drowns me!

I used to be sociable, I used to be an extrovert but slowly over the years I have been ground down by the daily struggle to just keep going despite fatigue that hits me physically and mentally and the pain levels that would likely send a healthy person to A&E.

Even a very basic day is hard, even writing this blog is hard and I am doing so as I am the only one here. I have had to turn the music off as that input along with trying to think about what I am writing is too much.

Bearded man with cracked face

So add visitors and it is like asking someone nearing the end of a marathon to break into a sprint or putting the finishing line on top of a large hill.

Things like conversation whilst there is music or TV on or multiple conversations in a room can instantly fry my brain and leave me screaming inside my head.

I and many others suffer from hypersensitivity, it is where everything becomes magnified. So noise that isn’t an issue for a well person can seem excessive, smells can over power us on top of other sensory inputs and on a bad day even taste and I will not enjoy certain foods and stick to very simple food.

Flare Audio Isolate earplugs
Flare Audio Isolate Earplugs

Of course I have coping mechanisms, I have my Flare Audio Isolate earplugs but when you have visitors, reaching for earplugs will often result in people giving you a strange look, the look of “oh sorry, am I boring you?”

But they just dampen the sound and enable me to carry on or at least try to carry on being social.

But inevitably what happens is I shut down and sit quietly and I have been informed that I have a look on my face that looks like I am miserable or pissed off!

I also will try my best to hide the pain when we have visitors, I don’t know why, maybe it is some deep seated thing where we can’t appear weak and it is a survival thing?

But I do it and that in itself is exhausting!

So please don’t be so quick to judge those around you who are dealing with pain, illness, mental health etc. Inside we are fighting a battle that we never win, the daily struggles slowly wears us down and the person we once were is still there but faded through battle.

By Zechariah Richardson

Over 50, disabled, husband, father and gramps who reviews products and writes blog posts about his life, beekeeping, gardening and whatever pops into his brain!

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