I sit in the corner and people looking at me likely think I look miserable, grumpy, intolerant and it has even been said many times.
But the truth is that I don’t want to be this way, but pain and fatigue drowns me!
I used to be sociable, I used to be an extrovert but slowly over the years I have been ground down by the daily struggle to just keep going despite fatigue that hits me physically and mentally and the pain levels that would likely send a healthy person to A&E.
Even a very basic day is hard, even writing this blog is hard and I am doing so as I am the only one here. I have had to turn the music off as that input along with trying to think about what I am writing is too much.
So add visitors and it is like asking someone nearing the end of a marathon to break into a sprint or putting the finishing line on top of a large hill.
Things like conversation whilst there is music or TV on or multiple conversations in a room can instantly fry my brain and leave me screaming inside my head.
I and many others suffer from hypersensitivity, it is where everything becomes magnified. So noise that isn’t an issue for a well person can seem excessive, smells can over power us on top of other sensory inputs and on a bad day even taste and I will not enjoy certain foods and stick to very simple food.
Of course I have coping mechanisms, I have my Flare Audio Isolate earplugs but when you have visitors, reaching for earplugs will often result in people giving you a strange look, the look of “oh sorry, am I boring you?”
But they just dampen the sound and enable me to carry on or at least try to carry on being social.
But inevitably what happens is I shut down and sit quietly and I have been informed that I have a look on my face that looks like I am miserable or pissed off!
I also will try my best to hide the pain when we have visitors, I don’t know why, maybe it is some deep seated thing where we can’t appear weak and it is a survival thing?
But I do it and that in itself is exhausting!
So please don’t be so quick to judge those around you who are dealing with pain, illness, mental health etc. Inside we are fighting a battle that we never win, the daily struggles slowly wears us down and the person we once were is still there but faded through battle.