I see, I sigh, repeat!

I was watching a programme on TV, it was Casualty on BBC1 and on there a woman and her son were jogging through a wooded area.

I instantly became so jealous, yes it’s only acting but what I wouldn’t give to be able to once again slip on some running shoes and run, just go out and run. This is a regular occurrence, I watch Countryfile and long to out walking the Welsh hills.

I don’t think it’s so much the fact that I’m a wheelchair user, I think it’s also down to the fact that it’s been 17 days since I left the house and I left the house 19 days before that, both hospital appointments. I was more able to handle disability when I was more actively disabled, when I could get out in my wheelchair to the shops or just out, now I don’t even go into the back garden.

The life I had before seems like a lie when I tell people, I was a firefighter, I did a barefoot firewalk, I used to just put on my trainers and run 10 miles, it all seems like I’m lying because I can’t even remember what it feels like to feel normal, to wake up or move without pain!

Today just getting off the toilet and into my wheelchair made my legs feel like when I would load up the weights and press silly amounts of weight with my legs. My legs feel like when I was at RAF Manston Fire training and they would work us until our legs feel like they were made of jelly.

I hurt, I hurt emotionally grieving for the old me that died, the man with a sense of humour that loved social occasions not the man that I am now that hates face to face human interaction.

I have so many regrets, but it’s too late now. My home is my coffin, I lived my life and it feels like it’s over!

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