I am not sure what is going on lately but I feel lost!

Despite what people think, I hate not being able to go out and earn a living.

The reviews and blogging has helped to give me something to take pride in, but lately I am wallowing in my uselessness.

I spent many days at work wishing that I could walk out and never return, that I could be a man of leisure and do sweet fuck all and now I find myself longing to be in work and I would not be fussy about what it was!

We struggle financially, the money comes in here and there and so my wife buys in meals a few days at a time and that is okay but it means that we never do a proper shop, the basic cupboard items are not purchased and fresh fruit and veg is rare.

But it is also about pride, about having a purpose and supporting the woman I love (and yes I mean my wife).

It is also about the social side of being in work, talking to colleagues about this and that and often nothing in particular. I literally have no real life friends, my social life is online and it does keep me going and often these people that I have never met, make me laugh when it is very much needed.

I can’t work, I never know what each day or even hour will bring and a flare up of pain or fatigue or a dip in my mental health. Even when I have a ‘good’ day it isn’t great and when I then tackle a physical task that needs doing, I fatigue quickly and a flare up looms and no employer would tolerate (and rightly so) someone so unreliable!!!

So what would be my ideal job?

I guess that the only work that I could handle would be to handle the social media posts for a brand, I am good on social media in both written and video posts and I can lay in bed or on the settee and work, but those jobs are very few and far between and I think they tend to look at people who now have an education in social media.

I like many in my position have thought about bailing out, because why do I have a reason to continue in pain and with no purpose and then I snap out of it and realise that my purpose is that of a husband, father and gramps and so I live a ‘Groundhog Day’ life.

I apologise for the Eeyore “oh my” post but I often find writing about the crap in life very cathartic!

By Zechariah Richardson

Over 50, disabled, husband, father and gramps who reviews products and writes blog posts about his life, beekeeping, gardening and whatever pops into his brain!

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