I am not sure what is going on lately but I feel lost!
Despite what people think, I hate not being able to go out and earn a living.
The reviews and blogging has helped to give me something to take pride in, but lately I am wallowing in my uselessness.
I spent many days at work wishing that I could walk out and never return, that I could be a man of leisure and do sweet fuck all and now I find myself longing to be in work and I would not be fussy about what it was!
We struggle financially, the money comes in here and there and so my wife buys in meals a few days at a time and that is okay but it means that we never do a proper shop, the basic cupboard items are not purchased and fresh fruit and veg is rare.
But it is also about pride, about having a purpose and supporting the woman I love (and yes I mean my wife).
It is also about the social side of being in work, talking to colleagues about this and that and often nothing in particular. I literally have no real life friends, my social life is online and it does keep me going and often these people that I have never met, make me laugh when it is very much needed.
I can’t work, I never know what each day or even hour will bring and a flare up of pain or fatigue or a dip in my mental health. Even when I have a ‘good’ day it isn’t great and when I then tackle a physical task that needs doing, I fatigue quickly and a flare up looms and no employer would tolerate (and rightly so) someone so unreliable!!!
So what would be my ideal job?
I guess that the only work that I could handle would be to handle the social media posts for a brand, I am good on social media in both written and video posts and I can lay in bed or on the settee and work, but those jobs are very few and far between and I think they tend to look at people who now have an education in social media.
I like many in my position have thought about bailing out, because why do I have a reason to continue in pain and with no purpose and then I snap out of it and realise that my purpose is that of a husband, father and gramps and so I live a ‘Groundhog Day’ life.
I apologise for the Eeyore “oh my” post but I often find writing about the crap in life very cathartic!