Last night I was dreaming that I was working through the woods, which woods I’m not sure but I knew that it was amazing that I was walking. It was so nice, it was quiet and the sun was just getting through the trees, it was then that I caught a metal spike in my leg and I woke up, it was just gone 3am!

Of course it was just my brain trying to introduce the pain into the dream, it did feel like a metal spike was being pushed through the side of my knee. My hip was also giving me grief and so I opened the draw and took some dihydrocodeine and used the vape with CBD oil in.

Donna woke up and asked me what was wrong and I told her I had just woken up, I didn’t want her to be kept awake as well, there is no point in both of us laying there awake. Of course she didn’t believe that but luckily she did go back to sleep and I laid there awake until about 4.45.

I tried turning over and getting into different positions, but I just couldn’t get comfortable and the pain wasn’t easing. I had taken a couple of doses of Oramorph just before I had gone to sleep and didn’t want to take anymore as my mouth was already so dry.

It’s always in these moments when there is nothing else to do but think that our thoughts turn on us, I can stay quite positive during the day but when it’s dark, I’m always weak. I started worrying about the amount of years that I have been taking opiates, long term use means that we are going to end up with problems, I recently heard of a woman whose bowel is paralysed because of using opiates for so long and it was about the same amount of time as I have been taking them

Anyone who takes opiates knows the problems it causes with our bowels, constipation is normal with these drugs and over time it can become very problematic. So I am laid there in the dark planning on how I am going to wean off of all my meds, dihydrocodeine first until I’m on half the dose. Then the Buprenorphine patches until I am once again on half the dose, then have another go at lowering the Pregabalin, I’m already on half the dose of that and I planned to reduce that further.

When I told Donna about my plan, she just sat there in bed looking at me and not saying anything. We have been together for 27 years and so I know what the various looks mean and I realise that she doesn’t agree with my plan. I still would like to cut down the opiates but I am already constantly in so much pain and cutting down the meds would mean that I would be in even more pain, but I need to do something!

So it’s now 1pm and I’m all out of spoons, it’s looking like this old boy is going to need an afternoon nap!

By Zechariah Richardson

Over 50, disabled, husband, father and gramps who reviews products and writes blog posts about his life, beekeeping, gardening and whatever pops into his brain!

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