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My feeling of guilt for being disabled

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Whilst I struggle to cope with constant pain, fatigue and disability, the worst thing is My feeling of guilt for being disabled.

I am very fortunate to have found true love, even now I still have the feelings for my wife as I did when we were first dating, I love her but I am also in love with her and I can’t help but smile when I see her.

We struggle financially, we don’t have a social life and we don’t go on holiday and for that I feel like I have let my wife down. I love her and I want her to have an amazing life, I want her to have nice things and I want her to see this world. However because I am basically housebound, we don’t see very much.

Yes being disabled has robbed me of the ability to walk, it has turned me into quite a grumpy old git and it has meant that I have lost many things. However the effect it has had on my wife is the hardest thing to cope with.

This week we discussed about maybe having to swallow our pride and seek the help of a food bank, my wife is a proud woman and her thoughts on that was evident on her face.

We live in a 3 bed bungalow, it took my wife a long time to find somewhere for us to live after our previous landlord announced he was selling up. Many people turn their noses up at those of us that are reliant on welfare, this is partly due to the stigma of being on welfare and also down to the fact that councils now advise tenants to refuse to move out when a landlord asks, they say to take it right up to getting an eviction notice. This of course helps those facing losing a property, giving them more time, but it causes landlords to resent these tenants.

Rent in this part of the country is quite high, our property is £900 pcm and believe me when I say that is cheap, the property is fairly run down, we get damp, the front door has a half-inch gap top and bottom allowing a draft in and the bottom of the door is so rotten you can poke a hole in it. However it is a roof over our heads.

We get as allowed by the Local Housing Allowance rates £606 every 4 weeks which is £7878 a year, we have to pay £10,800 and of course now you don’t get the full council tax amount and that has to be topped up!

So why don’t you move?

Yes that would be the answer, however first we would have to find a property that is not only wheelchair accessible,but also has room for someone to use a wheelchair around the property. We have a dog and so they have to allow pets and no I wouldn’t get rid of him, he is a family member and is a great comfort on very high pain days. Then we would have to have the money for the agency fees that can be several hundred pounds. Deposits are one months rent and one months rent as deposit. Removal fees, I can’t help with any of the lifting and moving, we don’t have someone who could do it for us and so we are likely over 2k so far. This is if we find a landlord that accepts welfare tenants.

Why don’t you get a council house?

We tried this last time we knew the previous landlord was going to sell. The local council offered us a flat in a tower block that is notorious for anti social behavior and drugs and a lift that doesn’t always work! We contacted our MP (a Conservative) he visited and listened (pre-election) and promised he would return, he didn’t. A local councilor claimed to have found the solution and said he could get us into sheltered accommodation! yep us and our daughter in an old people’s sheltered block!

So we are basically stuck here unless we get told to leave!

Stress is not good for anyone, it’s even worse if you have poor health, my wife is a gem and she takes on all the finances and shelters me from the problems, but that makes me feel even worse. I have ended up in hospital with worrying ECG readings previously when I have allowed it to get to me.

So I feel guilty, I want my wife to not to have to worry about money, well not to amount she does. I just wish that I could go to work and do what I should be doing and bring money into the household that gives a better standard of living.

I wish we didn’t have to huddle under a blanket on the settee because we are worried about running up bills that we struggle to pay.

Yes I know I most probably have no right to complain, I am fully aware that what we do have and what we do get is paid for by people who are working and very likely supporting a family and maybe even struggling themselves. I am not one of these people who is happy with this like we often see on the TV or in papers to the detriment of people like me.

I don’t yearn for a better life for me, I want it because I love my wife so much and it hurts to see her going through this. She isn’t disabled, she could work if she didn’t have to care for me and I often wonder if she would have been better off if I hadn’t been in her life. This is far more painful than anything my body can throw at me!


10 thoughts on “My feeling of guilt for being disabled

  1. Don’t feel bad, it’s not your fault and what’s happened to you can happen to any of us.
    We never know what’s around the corner and it matters not if you’re rich, or poor it’s going to happen.
    You’re making the best of it because that’s all you can do and at least you’re not sitting there feigning disability. You’re keeping your mind active and that’s the best thing you can do.
    Don’t feel guilty bud, your wife sticks by you because she wants to, if she didn’t she’d left by now.

    All the best Zec

  2. Thank you for speaking up from a male perspective…it’s so important 🙂 Your wife does sound like a gem, and you sound like a happy family despite circumstances! I truly hope things work out on the financial and housing side of things.

  3. I feel guilt much of the time also for being sick. It is a very frustrating thing. I know how hard it is not to feel that way but please don’t ever give up. It sounds like your wife loves you so much! You are very blessed to have someone who cares for you. I have been alone mostly since I became ill except for a couple of very kind siblings and am so grateful that they are there for me to call upon though I try not to very often. I do hope something will come along to help with your living situation. I will pray for that for you.

  4. Your confession has really moved me. You are a troubled but honest man and I can respect that. And you have a strong and caring woman which I can respect equally as much. It is easy for me to say but hard to understand (for myself). Happiness, I think, may very well be nothing more than being able to say “today was better than yesterday”. Pain, loss and grief for some are the normal state, at least temporarily.

    I don’t want to cause you more pain and sincerely hope I don’t when I say that your wife did not marry your ability to walk or to provide. She married you. Be yourself and worry less and she will be happy too.

    1. Thank you Benjamin, I know she loves me and doesn’t care but sometimes I just hate the fact that she goes through this hardship.
      And yes you cannot buy true love, it is priceless and as a husband, father of two daughters and a gramps, I guess that makes me a rich man.

  5. I totally get it. I have the same feelings just a bit opposite…not able to work and bringing in money puts more pressure on my husband and then not being able to always do stuff around the house like cook clean shop do the bills etc. We hardly go any where unless it’s a doc appointment and we catch lunch while we are out. And the other “wifely duties” well….pain and fatigue set in and that goes out the window. I feel the guilt of it not being fair to him and he would be better off without me but he doesn’t feel that way and I’m sure your wife wouldn’t trade you for the world.
    Stress is a huge trigger for pain in our world so we need to learn to de-stress (a lot easier said than done lately for me) so we are not hurting that much more.
    If I could take away your pain and disabilities I would because you my friend are an amazing person. Hang in there, sounds like you and your wife have a very special love.

    1. Thank you.
      Yes marital duties do become more difficult, however I think for us it has actually improved it.
      No its not like before, we had to reinvent our love life and if I am not feeling great, well I…. Shall we say make sure her needs are met and I am okay with just making sure she is okay and not me.
      Slowing things down has not been a bad thing, it took a while to adjust but we do very well lol.
      I hope you are having the best day possible x

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