Darkness again.

Hello darkness, my old friend, I’ve come to talk with you again, that is the opening of the very well known Simon & Garfunkel song, The Sound of Silence and once again I’m laid here in the darkness because pain is preventing me from sleeping!

As I have said before, with nothing to focus on the pain levels are harder to handle, its not a pleasant experience at all and I’ve taken extra meds beyond the stated dosage to try and get it down to a level that is compatible with getting some sleep. So I have decided to write something for the blog instead of laying there and letting my mind wander and find something that I can worry about.

Its strange how certain noises that would be unheard during the day can suddenly become so loud, the main road that is about a quarter of a mile away with the sound of drivers who think they are a race drivers, a cat or fox scrambling over the fence in the search of an open bin bag and a car door being shut that could do with a drop of oil on its hinges.

Just like these noises that are suddenly very loud, my pain is suddenly screaming at me and yet thirty minutes ago whilst watching CSI it was there but not so troublesome, in fact I had thought I was having a good, well okayish day because distraction is a vital weapon against pain. Obviously if it’s bad day then distraction isn’t so good because a bad pain day is where it totally consumes me, nothing will stop it and it feels like you are going to literally explode. The only way I can describe it is its like when you get a really really bad toothache and you can’t concentrate on anything because it’s so powerful or like the time my appendix went “pop”, pain that is so intense.

Right now I’m trying to type these words, but I’m tapping my foot to distract myself, my breathing is changed and my eyes are blurry because I have tears in my eyes, I’m not embarrassed to admit that. I’m trying to keep still because I don’t want to wake my wife up, there is little point in her being awake as well, she would just then be worrying, I have become a master at convincing her that I’m okay, that the pain isn’t too bad because I want her to get some sleep.

I also think about the other people I have met on twitter who have to cope with pain on a daily basis, the children especially who are in pain. I think about people who are worse off than me and have a disease that will eventually end their lives, I think about the people who don’t have a loved one laid beside them and deal with pain and disability on their own. I also think about the young military personnel who have life changing injuries and I realise that I am despite this pain, still very fortunate, I just wish I could remember that more often and shake off this depression that has a grip on me at the moment.

I can now feel the morphine and extra dihydrocodeine and nortriptyline starting to have some effect, so I’m going to finish this and attempt to sleep.

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