I laid there in Chronic pain in the night, I had been woken up (as usual) by pain, well a surge of pain as I’m always in pain and used to being able to get to sleep with levels of pain that would keep most people awake.
Night is the worst time, there are no distractions to help take my mind off the pain, it’s silent, it’s dark and I am just laid there battling my own thoughts.
It’s the time when my mind goes into overdrive, I think about all the things that have gone wrong, I think about the things I am unable to do and I think about how I’m going to cope with being in pain for the rest of my life. I can meditate but when the pain pushes past a certain point, I can’t get ‘in the zone’ as they say.
I laid there and then that thought pops up, it always does despite my best efforts to not think about it.
I think about whether I can keep fighting, I’m tired of waking up every day in pain and being in pain for the entire day and this cycle is going to keep on running for many years to come. This isn’t something that is going to kill me, nor is it something that will heal or can be cured and so I struggle with the endless fight and I often think about ending my life!
I have been told by a few people that I should see my GP and tell him about these thoughts, “you should see a psychiatrist”!
I have recently had appointments with the Pain Management Psychologist and I told her, she unlike most people understands that I’m not suicidal, I’m just in pain and that it’s quite common for people to think about taking their own life and yet they won’t do it.
At this point my love for my wife, daughters and grandson greatly outweighs the likelyhood of me taking an overdose, I couldn’t hurt them by doing it and so it’s just a thought process that I regularly go through. It’s a battle that I win several times a week!
What makes the battle even harder is cuts to welfare, the stress that has caused and the stress of announcements of further cuts makes the pain levels soar, stress increases pain levels.
The stress of trying to top our rent up each month and pay the bills, the stress of not knowing how long we will have in this property before a rent increase makes it impossible to stay here or if the landlord decides to sell the property. The stress of ESA assessments, everytime the post is delivered I worry that there will be a letter saying they want me to attend for an assessment. The whole EU in or out debate has me worried because I’m unsure on how it will impact the welfare system and I know that these are things that I shouldn’t worry about until they happen, but in the darkness when my pain is soaring, everything becomes a problem.
I know that many of you who are in Chronic pain every day will understand.
I also know that this post will attract a few people who will tell me that they know something that will cure me, thank you but no thank you, we have all had raised hopes from “miracle cures” and they never work and false hopes are damaging to our battle to try and accept what is happening.