2015 the year I die?

Pain, a pain that is felt every minute of every day and often leaves me curled up crying because it’s so intense.
Pain that has no end, its forever
Fatigue that sometimes is so bad that I can’t even think
Disability that means I need the help of my wife to wash
Disability living allowance scrapped

And on top of that

Introduction of Personal independence Payment
Stories of so many disabled people failing to be awarded PiP
Rent not fully paid by benefits
Rent topped up with Disability living allowance
Scoring zero on unfair Work capability assessments
Universal credit introduced
Council tax no longer fully paid by benefits
Benefit cap reduced by a further £3,000 per household
And more to come

The title of this post might sound over dramatic but I have on many occasions laid awake at night when I’m unable to sleep and thought about taking my own life, simply because there is no light at the end of the tunnel and because I can’t imagine being able to cope with this pain for years and years.

There is one thing that stops me from taking such drastic action and that is my family, my wife whom I love more than words can ever say, my daughters who have lost so much because of my illness and disability and my seven month old grandson who has shown me there is more love to give,
My family are like an anchor, that tethers me to this world and keeps me from doing what has now become thinkable, its a strong heavy but is now slowly being dragged like an anchor trying to hold a ship in a storm, being dragged along the seabed looking for something else to stop it being dragged.

If it was just disability I could hold on
If it was pain I would find a way to hold on
But it’s both and on top there is the Conservative party whipping up a storm, a storm mightier than we have ever felt before and my anchor is failing!

7 thoughts on “2015 the year I die?”

  1. I understand your torment, specifically with chronic pain. I suffer with neuropathic persistent pain, chronic pain syndrome and musculoskeletal issues. On top of that epilepsy and sciatica. Night tines are a nightmare and I fear. Living presently is trying to cope with the distress and fatigue. Your comments and descriptions I couldn’t have put it better. I apologise for writing on your post, which is something I never ever do. But I thought I had to just let you know you’re not alone.

      1. Don’t need to apologise, it’s just a comfort to know there are others out there suffering with the same issues. I great big thank you for sharing your thoughts. Hopefully we can continue

  2. It’s awful to feel this way and I know where you are coming from. There is no where left for people to turn. The burden becomes unbearable. We did not ask for this life. I personally would love to live without pain and not get a penny bean from the welfare, as I am sure you do to. I am glad you have your family to keep you going. I live each day hoping for a cure or the miracle of remission to happen, I just hope it doesn’t come to late for the rest of my body! Keep your chin up my friend, here for you.

  3. Know that there are people out here who care, who can lend a listening ear, who completely understand. Try forums? Good for support, especially in the middle of the night, due to the time difference between uk & USA, and insomnia of course!

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