The opinions of others about our health and medication often leaves us feeling baffled, hurt and angry!
I am out the other side now but this year I have had a long run of high pain and was very depressed because of my circumstances. I always am up and down with mental health and flare ups don’t help.
So I guess it is no surprise that when I am in a lot of pain and depressed, that I don’t have as much patience or tolerance, not that I have much anyway.
So anyway, there I am feeling physically and mentally like hell, thinking several times a week about taking the easy way out and unable to cope when, someone makes a comment that shook me.
Now I say that it shook me, that is actually an understatement, it made me angry, it upset me to the point I cried and I reacted. Some may say I reacted badly, others have agreed it proportional to what happened.
Anyway here is what happened.
A family member whilst visiting (no names) basically likened them smoking cigarettes to me taking meds!
Of course my wife wasn’t in the room and neither was the other visiting family member, typical!
I did manage to contain my initial rage upon hearing that me taking pain meds is somehow recreational and a habit, I knew that if I spoke at that moment, it would not be good.
They then went outside to smoke and I excused myself and went to the bedroom to take some deep breaths and to calm down and as I got on the bed, I pushed my wheelchair against the door as I did not want to discuss it.
So I decide to try and meditate, because anger, stress etc is like poison to someone with chronic health/pain. It causes more pain, more discomfort and it is like a frag grenade to someone with mental health.
When he returned, he asked where I was and was told that he had upset me and just as my wife would, he was told to apologise.
So I am trying to calm myself but I get a “I didn’t mean it like that” whilst pushing the door open and the wheelchair away despite me saying I don’t want to talk about it now!
Then before I know it Satan pours out of my mouth with enough decibels to clear an airport runway of birds.
Like real pure honesty, about how disgusting the comment was, about how I feel bad enough being stuck indoors most of the time in pain and how I often think about suicide and everything else came pouring out.
They made a retreat!
They eventually left, but at that point not quick enough for me and I knew that there would now be a conversation with my wife.
She understands it was hurtful, I don’t think she understands my outburst of anger and she is caught in the middle as it is her family.
I went to another room to avoid exactly what happened, I knew I was going to explode the minute it happened and I had to swallow the words “GET OUT OF MY HOUSE” before they burst out and couldn’t be retrieved.
I don’t like that I became angry, I always try and avoid it and I am not the angry person I used to be many years ago but this pushed my buttons, hard!!!
I have explained to my wife that I won’t, I can’t apologise because I am not sorry and I won’t say it I am if I am not!
But I won’t make it an issue and just want the matter to never be brought up again and I won’t do anything to make things awkward when they visit.
Now I really wish this was an isolated incident, but it is something that happens to me and others in a similar situation to me.
The attack on opiods in America and now starting to rear its ugly head over here is very unhelpful, it is also very dangerous.
I don’t take pain meds because I want to, I hate them but I could not cope without them. They help to keep my pain levels (not always) down and without them I doubt I could have kept going for so many years.
People think they have a right to judge, they think they understand but the truth is that if they did truly understand, they wouldn’t say the hurtful shit that they do!
Of course ideally we shouldn’t give a f##k what people think but it really is easier said than done.
My pain levels thankfully have now eased slightly and I am in a better place mentally as I am using CBD oil again.