Suffering

About eight years ago a chapter of my life came to an end, I had been volunteering as a Pastoral assistant at our church for about eight or so years and quite abruptly it was over. I now don’t believe in a God and its not by choice, I lost faith because of what happened.

I’ve had knee problems since I was 25 and I have had many surgical procedures to try to help, whilst serving as pastoral assistant I had a procedure called an osteochondrital graft and it was the hardest surgery I had up to then. I remember being on crutches and leading a service of stations of the cross, I was stood at the lectern and my knee was throbbing, the pain was so intense but I refused to stop because I felt that giving in to pain whilst leading this service wasn’t the thing to do and so I decided to use my pain to somehow share in that suffering of the cross. It seemed to go on forever but I refused to rush the service just because I was in pain and I didn’t let on to anyone that I was in pain.

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So it came as a shock when I had my weekly meeting with the priest and he asked what was going on with my knee? I told him and he frowned “people are laughing at you” he said, “you want to make up your mind if you are on crutches or not”! This hit me hard, I had tried my best to continue with my ministry even though I was having so many knee problems. I asked who was laughing but he refused to explain any further, I left because I was upset and fairly pissed off at this, why was I being looked upon like this?

When my ministry did end me and my wife met with the parish priest and discussed some matters and he then pulled out a photo of a knee all stapled up after surgery, “what’s this” he asked “, I said “I put it on Facebook to show my cousin who lives abroad!”, “are you saying it’s yours?” he asked.
“yes it’s mine, do I have to drop my trousers to prove it?” at this point I was now using a wheelchair as my knee was so bad and my wrists and shoulders were painful from using crutches on and off for so long. “yes please” he said and so my wife helped me up and I dropped my trousers, I showed him the scar and explained about the surgery. “is that why you didn’t call or visit me when I was recovering, you didn’t believe me?”, there was no reply and at that point the meeting was over!

I would like to add that for many years this tore me apart, but now I forgive him!
It would be nice to receive an apology though and a cuppa awaits him if he ever decides to.

I was a member of that parish for over 12 years, for 8 years I served as pastoral assistant and led many services when the priest was absent and I covered for him many times and had to do things I shouldn’t like baptise children because he was unwell and used the bottle to cope. We had some close friends and would attend dinner parties and bar-b-q’s but now only one person visits, they no longer live on mainland UK but visit whenever they return.

So today my pain levels are very high as they have been for quite a while, for some reason I seem to be having flare up after flare up, today i cant help but wonder if the countless amount of people who mourn the death of their messiah, actually take anything from that. I wonder if they stop and think about the people who are suffering today, right now? I wonder if they realise that even though the physical suffering can’t be stopped, that things can be helped by a smile, a visit, a show of concern and understanding?

It doesnt take a Messiah to end suffering, you can!

5 thoughts on “Suffering”

  1. Excellent written piece and so very true your closing words are. I don’t think it was very christian of the people in your congregation to laugh at your suffering – do they laugh at Christ on the cross – I don’t think so. The same with the priest – why did he disbelieve your suffering – surely if he cannot believe what is in front of his own eyes how can he believe a story that has been passed down from generations since biblical times – something he personally cannot see! This is one of the reasons I will not go to church regularly and only go once in a blue moon – I just find some of the people are so hypocritical and this post only compounds my feelings. I like though that you are able to forgive.

    1. Thank you, yes it is a story where people have two sides to their character, one whilst sat in the pews and the other when they leave the church. It meant a lot to me, I enjoyed it and gave my all but that is all you can do.

        1. In the first year, in fact up to two years, the pain would wake me up and I would then start thinking about it and end up crying. After all what about the parable of the lost sheep or lost coin? When it happened I wrote to our bishop and because I had covered for the priest for so many years when he was absent through drink or he had turned up drunk, I asked for his help and said that the parish needed help as well, I used a piece from canon law that some people have used in protest against the child abuse. It asks for all graces, sacraments and blessings to be overturned as such, I thought he must listen if I do that. He did accept and he just wrote back saying a note would be placed in the baptismal register saying it had been removed. Suddenly baptism, something I was told could never be undone, was undone and I was no longer baptised, or confirmed, I wasn’t a Catholic anymore. That really hurt, he was willing to do that just to cover up what happened.

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