Not quite a Happy New Year!

Not quite a Happy New Year!

It is strange how much difference one second can make, this time the difference between me feeling okay and then once again depression striking!

We were sat in bed on New Years Eve, we had watched TV till gone 11pm and so decided we might as well stay awake and see the New Year in, after all we would likely be woken up by the fireworks anyway.

I felt okay, sure I was having a flare up due to visitors over Christmas but I was generally feeling not too bad mentally, a little low but okay.

23:59:59 – 31/12/2018

00:00:00 – 01/01/2019

Depression slaps me in the face!

Okay it wasn’t quite one second, but I laid there and the previous year was replayed in my head, another difficult year, housebound, in constant pain and the struggles of poor finances etc.

A year long battle!

Now ahead of me another year, another battle except now I am battle worn from all the previous years.

So for the past two days I have made Eeyore seem practically joyful!

I did try to face it head on and for some stupid reason I thought an honest post on social media would be a good idea but I forgot that there was the chance that someone would use that post to have a dig and I wasn’t let down.

That was far from helpful and made matters worse.

When you are feeling like this it doesn’t take very much to make things worse, we are not as thick skinned when running low.

I expect that many other people who live the chronic life have also struggled with the turn of the clock, the thought of having to do it all over again being just too much.

And yet time, the gregorian calender that we follow is merely made up by man and it in fact changes nothing.

Maybe it is harder because at least December gives us a chocolate calender with something to look forward to everyday.

No?

Just me then!

I know that mental health is nothing to be ashamed of. I keep telling people that, but the problem is that I have all the right words to advise people and help them to keep on treading the weary path, but for some reason I still don’t listen myself.

I feel quite pathetic, I feel that any moment I could just cry. Yep all 6′ 4″ and 20st of me is now reduced to a wreck that might cry if a soppy advert comes on the TV.

I guess it’s BBC for now then!

Hopefully this is just temporary, I have been here before and during a total mental breakdown back in 1999 I was given the tools to help and so I am hoping that it is just a blip and then I will rise to once more only be on the verge of depression.

I am also aware that it is not easy on family, certainly my wife will have that feeling of dread as she has to live with me and has suffered when I had the breakdown all those years ago.

For me, blogging is extremely cathartic and just by putting it all into words, I find it slightly easier. Even if no one actually reads it!

So Happy New Year I hope 2019 is kind to you!

4 thoughts on “Not quite a Happy New Year!”

  1. I enjoy your blogs, it’s good to say how you feel, we can’t be positive all the time even if it keeps others happy. My husband has a chronic illness as a result of radiotherapy and has been tube fed for 10 years, naturally he suffers from depression and has every right to do so. I like that you always mention your wife, it is difficult for me too but I would not have it any other way.

    1. I actually think it is harder on our partners! Seeing a loved one in pain and discomfort is horrible, you feel powerless as you can’t do anything to ease the symptoms, but just by being there it means more than we could ever express. You do so despite the fact that we get bad tempered because of the health issues and you also sacrifice a lot as it’s not an easy life. In my eyes, our partners who care for us are saints.

  2. I wish you and your family all the best for 2019. I for one enjoy reading your blogs and reviews. I also in the past have battled the demons of depression. So I do understand many of your comments and points of reference. Not wishing to play compare the chronic pain, but I again understand the drain this can cause on your day to day life. I won’t be patronising and say chin up, but take each day as you find it and enjoy your small victories. Please keep us all entertained with your work and I wish you the best for 2019

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