Chronic pain and depression

Losing my grip on life

I honestly cannot remember what it is like to not be in pain, both physically and mentally.

In 2008 after something like 12 or 13 knee surgeries, some twat

TWAT:  noun VULGAR SLANG


1. a person regarded as stupid or obnoxious.
2. management at Olympus Keymed

They organised a badly planned rearrangment of the workshop in 2008 and left an exposed 1 inch pipe sticking out the floor about 2.5 feet high and no warnings.

That pipe finished off my knee and my ability to work.

TKR knee replacement

In 2010 a total knee replacement left me in even worse pain and I eventually requested an above the knee amputation.

I have been told I can’t be in pain because it’s a metal knee and even I know without a medical degree, that there is living tissue and nerves around the joint that can cause pain.

I saw several orthopaedic consultants at Southend University Hospital and more times than I can remember, I literally begged Mr Greer to take my leg off and often I was in tears as I explained my daily existence.

His reply has always been that he swore an oath to do no harm and yet his refusal to help has done exactly that. I am virtually housebound and moving is so so painful.

I was asked to see a psychiatrist because I said I would tie a tourniquet around my leg and therefore force an amputation to be done as after several hours, the build up of blood etc in the leg would be fatal if just allowed to flow back into the body.

I wasn’t crazy, I was desperate, but I eventually agreed!

The psychiatrist spent a couple of hours with me, we went over childhood, over my mental health problems and said that I had PTSD from a previous incident, but she agreed that I wasn’t requesting amputation because of some mental health issue, I was just in pain and desperate.

Eventually I stopped the fight to get the amputation as the battle with the doctors had exhausted me and it was making me unwell.

It has maybe been 4 years since I saw them and I have tried to just cope and learn to live with it.

It is like hanging from a ledge, I wouldn’t want to take the option that haunts me several times a week, which is suicide. I have a wife, 2 daughters, 2 grandchildren and another on the way. A mum, a sister and other family like cousins and in laws and I know if I did do it, it would just leave them in pain.

But my grip is weakening and I am scared that I cannot hold on much longer!

I am realistic, I don’t expect to walk on a prosthetic if I did get the amputation, I am just wanting to be able to move, to transfer in and out of my wheelchair without pain that makes me feel sick.

I also know I would still be in pain, but without that knee joint moving, the pain would be a constant if that makes sense? There wouldn’t be any spikes in pain as I move my leg even slightly!

Mr Greer said he would fuse the joint, basically creating one long joint from hip to ankle.

I am 6′ 4″ and doing that would mean that I wouldn’t fit in the car or even in our bed and imagine being in my wheelchair with a leg stuck out straight!

He said at one appointment that he would do the amputation if he knew 100% that it would be successful and I said it would be as taking out that joint would mean no knee and so no movement and so no spikes in pain from moving.

I am trapped!

We don’t even allow animals to live in pain and yet it is okay to subject me to daily misery for years.

If I do lose the fight, I want my death certificate to have the cause of death as ‘Consultants refused to help and caused intolerable suffering‘.

And yet somehow I retain my humour, yes it gets darker and fiercer if pain levels get very high but I can still laugh at the ridiculousness of my situation!

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