Despite the fact that I am basically housebound and in pain 24/7, that isn’t what makes me lay awake at night or dip in and out of depression.
The thing that I struggle with the most is insecurity!
Since first living together in January of 1991 a year after we first met, we have moved about 14 times.
We have now lived in this bungalow for about 5 years, its not ideal or totally accessible but we like it here, the rent is certainly below what we should be paying and yet there is a good chance that we will once again be forced to move.
Even though we get housing benefit, we only get paid almost half of what the rent is. When we moved in both of our daughters lived at home and so we received rent for a 3 bed property.
So now my PiP money goes towards topping up the rent every month and we struggle to survive.
When the landlord of the last property told us he was selling it, it took a long time to find a property that was wheelchair accessible and also a landlord who was willing to accept people who received benefits.
So on most days I stress over our situation, yes I know that on social media I come across as a joker and outgoing, the truth is that I am actually very different.
I think about giving in several times a week, giving in because of the pain, the disability, the pressure we are under, but I don’t because of the love of my family.
However, slowly the balance is changing and I am finding that the negative is starting to win over the positive, but I keep telling myself that I can do another week and then another week, however the truth, the unthinkable truth is that I don’t know how many more weeks I have left in me?
I am tired, tired of being in pain, tired of the insecurity.
I don’t desire wealth, I don’t need a big house or a flash car, but I long to have a home that I know is home forever. This property has mould, it is cold, it isn’t fully accessible but I would love to be able to stay here and that would be the biggest weight lifted from my shoulders.
And this isn’t just for me, it is for my wife. Chronic health doesn’t just affect the person who is unwell, it affects the whole family and I am often reduced to tears knowing that because of me my wife lives like this.
I know that it could be worse and it can only get worse, we are always just one event away from being homeless. We couldn’t afford to find deposits to rent again, the cost of removal services and my health can’t take the stress of moving home and yet it is out of our control.
This is what occupies my mind for the majority of the time.
It is Monday, I just need to get through this week!