Inner rage

Its difficult to handle the emotions that are the result of having been mistreated or unfairly treated, the feeling of having been wronged and that person having gotten away with it can’t haunt you for years and especially so when you also have to deal with something like chronic pain.

Without going into detail, I was unfairly treated by a priest who abused his position of power and my misplaced respect because of his position in the church, he took his opportunity to strike when I was at an already low point and dealt with me as a judge, not a priest.
This was in my opinion because of the personal problems he was having, and he hit out because my lay ministry meant that I was there covering for him when he was absent or there but intoxicated and parishioners turned to me. I also wrongly chose to support him rather than report the issue and get him the help he so clearly needed.

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                                                                                Photo is of me, not the priest!

All of this culminated in me giving the bishop an ultimatum of deal with the injustice or accept my request to have every grace, sacrament and blessing withdrawn and he chose the latter, a note was placed in the baptismal register saying my baptism was withdrawn. As a result I lost my belief in a God and for a very long time I struggled to come to terms with what had happened.

Now?
Well now I mostly carry on with my life and focus my attention on battling the pain that beats me 24/7 and has left me disabled.

However there are occasions when I have made contact, this happened today about the death of someone I knew and it drags those emotions back to the surface, but now I just have an overwhelmingly strong urge to punch him. I guess this is because I have no faith and so no reason to not knock him on his backside, of course I won’t because I keep my distance and because I can’t be bothered to waste precious energy.

I also realise that harbouring such strong emotions has a negative impact and stress just elevates my pain levels, I know about keeping calm and that being more like the Dalai Lama would make my life so much easier. However I know will never live in such harmony but that doesn’t stop me trying everyday and failing as soon as some bugger winds me up.

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Even though I have said that anger and stress is very unhelpful when you suffer chronic pain, but I know that I am not the only chronic pain sufferer that struggles with anger and stress.
I know my family put up with a lot (not that I am angry towards them), I explain it like this – we all say we can only take so much, people often say “I have had it up to here” and when you deal with high pain levels constantly, we have already taken as much as we can and so anything and this can be minor things, push us over the edge and we react out of proportion to the situation.

Currently I am struggling with the arrival of the paperwork for Personal independence Payment (PiP) and so that piled on top of the pain has firstly pushed the pain up, or rather made me more susceptible to the pain. So any added problem or negative feelings leave me either angry or very upset.

Tomorrow I will once again endeavour to be calm and at peace, I expect I will fail or some bugger will be the cause of my failure but I will still try and I will keep on trying until hopefully one day I succeed. The psychologist that I meet with is trying to get me to adopt “mindfulness”, at the moment I can’t seem to get to grips with it, some parts I agree with and like but other parts I find very strange, but that has been true for many things that I have encountered and I usually just take the bits that I like and chuck the rest out.

I hope today is a good day for you, if not let’s hope tomorrow is better and so on.

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