I’m giving all she’s got Captain!

Sorry for the Star Trek reference, its not actually about Star Trek but about the lack of power and energy levels in my body over the past few days, not that I’m comparing my knackered middle aged body to a 23rd century Federation Constitution-class starship that we know as The USS Enterprise (NCC-1701).

This is typical of ME, no not me but ME, Myalgia Encephalomyelitis the much argued over health condition that deprives me of energy. When I was first diagnosed I was very unwell, I was fatigued all of the time and I was cold when it was hot and vice versa, my mind was foggy and my speech muddled. That is a mild explanation because this isn’t a post about the many faces of ME or CFS (chronic fatigue syndrome) that it’s also known as, its a post about how lately I’m getting out of bed at about 11am and by 3pm I’m back in bed having a snooze!

As I said in a previous post, I’m feeling very low at the moment, mentally low and I think it’s down to the fact that my health is hit from several directions. The ME and the CRPS (complex regional pain syndrome), I’m reliant on a wheelchair to get about and getting from chair or bed to wheelchair or and off the toilet requires more energy than if I was walking and so the ME hits more often.
Despite being a foggy mess my brain is still convinced that my body is able to do what it has always done, walk through the woods or a nice walk out out to the Mulberry harbour at low tide, a walk up to Blue Lake or Dolgoch falls. You see I love the outdoors, as a child I always dreamed of surviving on a desert island and that dream is still alive but now I realise that first of all I’m unlikely to be able to survive on a desert island when I can’t walk and most importantly I doubt the stranding would happen when I don’t go anywhere!
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I crave the outdoors, but I do realise it’s a no go
Pain = No go
ME = No go
Panic attacks = No go

Yep that’s right, I forgot to mention panic attacks! Ptsd is what ended my fire fighter career and its something that I’m only happy to admit openly 24 years after the initial panic attack, so really I’m screwed because my panic attacks stem from entrapment and a prior incident that I won’t mention and so I hate lifts and enclosed spaces but then I started to feel trapped in heavy traffic and then anywhere that meant I couldn’t immediately leave, so now being in a wheelchair means that I feel very trapped, out of control and unable to just run away. Now add into the mix the problem of being laid up for long periods of time because of pain and that makes it all the harder to go out. For many years I sort of had control of the panic attacks but my current health has tipped the scales once more!

Wow that was hard to admit because previously I have made attempts publicly to push the barriers and I fell flat on my face, I retreated and hid away because I was ashamed.

So that’s where I’m at

Chronic pain ✅
Fatigue ✅
PTSD ✅
Depression ✅

This is me, Zec a mess physically and mentally.

Until next time!

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