I may not be much, but I'm honest!

I may not be much, but I’m honest!

In a previous post I said I was struggling with constant pain and just when you think things can’t get worse, they inevitably do. However I may not be much, but I’m honest!

Some years back I had an accident at work and that accident finally finished off my knee, I complained to one of the top managers and a colleague advised me to keep a diary. I was unsure why but he clearly knew the company played dirty.

The following months took me from being happy to being broken, I was accused of anything they could find wrong with my work and some stuff that was made up and I was finally sacked. This resulted in us losing the rented property we called home and my ministry at the church and then my faith.
So that hit me hard and it took a few years to finally be able to let it go, however that history and being in constant pain has left me unable to deal with life’s knocks.

So today when I was accused of being dodgy or doing something that was taken as dodgy, instead of telling them where to go, it totally derailed me!

I may not be much nowadays but I can guarantee that I am 100% truthful and honest, I am so focused on being honest that sometimes I tell the truth where maybe a little white lie to protect someone’s feelings would have been preferable, but if it’s the truth, then I say it or keep quiet.
I also refuse to take part in anything that isn’t 100% honest, however I guess that no matter what your intentions are, someone always has ability to think that you are not being honest, maybe it’s the fact that they have the ability to function like that and so they think others do as well.

Last night I ran through the whole ‘can I keep going’ thing in my head whilst I laid awake because of high pain levels, but as usual the result was yes I can because I love my family so much. So I start the day with the intention of fighting the pain and the lifestyle that this disability has forced upon me and then someone comes along and pushes me back towards the edge.

Was it something major?
No it wasn’t but it doesn’t take a lot to derail me now and so I have plummeted into whatever you call this, so I blog about it because it’s my way of offloading what has happened and how I’m feeling.

Sometimes I just want to go outside and shout “f##k” as loud as I can, but I won’t because it’s wrong!

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