I have a, well I guess it is quite a lethal sense of humour, very dry and cutting!
If that is not bad enough, when my pain levels rise, I use humour to get through it and God help anyone who is near me.
Doctors will prescribe pain meds and offer surgery to help with the various problems that cause us pain and discomfort and it wasn’t until I attended a Pain Management clinic, that I learnt how to actually protect myself from the pain!
Now at the time, I thought it was complete nonsense, I was in chronic pain and they were advising meditation and thought processes that can help when the pain levels become too much.
However now I have an arsenal of tricks that I use to help!
Pain always feels worst at night and that is because when the lights go off and there is no sound, there is no distraction from the pain and as I have said before, distraction is the best tool in the fight against pain. Well obviously a dose of Diamorphine is better, but you get what I mean!
When my pain levels start to rise, I become uninterested in everything.
Just handling the pain is enough and anything else is just too much to handle, so I can become very snappy and I just want quiet and simple.
That includes food as well, I just want a simple dinner and I crave food that isn’t the best of foods health wise.
I thought that was just me, but after chatting with other spoonies, I have found out that many of us crave chocolate, crisps, popcorn, cake and all the stuff that we will regret the next time we are weighed or try to fit into a top or pair of trousers.
It is also when my humour kicks in, it gets drier and also darker and I often see my wife giving me a disapproving look.
I am stuck indoors 99.9% of the time and it is usually just a medical appointment that makes me venture out, although this year I am forcing myself to go out, even if it does cause more pain.
A trip to the supermarket or just out for half an hour to get some fresh air and some exercise!
Like many of you, social media is my social life, I don’t actually see anyone except for family and that is not because I don’t want to, It is because I find it tiring and pain makes me quite anti social.
Family know me better than anyone but I still see the looks when I am maybe a bit snappy, a bit to honest and when I say something that I find hilarious but they clearly don’t.
But when we have visitors, when there is more than one conversation going on and because I can’t show my pain, it is exhausting and so I try to appear okay by making a joke or a humorous (or so I think) observation!
I was never that great, but pain and fatigue has twisted me into someone who is maybe not very likeable?
So social media is where I have friends, spoonie friends and bearded friends, the spoonies understand what it is like to go through this and the sick depraved members of ‘Guardians of the Beard’ a bearded group on Facebook that I set up, they understand and share my sense of humour and I laugh and forget that I am not quite who I want to be!
I have to get by, I have to somehow keep going day after day after day, the unrelenting pain and depression.
Pain and depression usually go hand in hand, many of us are told we are brave and yet we feel far from brave!
I have no idea how I keep going, every day I think that I just can’t do it, I don’t know how I am going to survive this day and yet I do, only to begin another day.
I am not brave, I am just along for the ride and there is no way off and so I do what I have to, to get by.
That is when the humour gets worse, I think it get’s better but my wife says no, it is worse!
There are other things that get me through each day!
One is Tea! yes a nice mug of Yorkshire Tea.
Of course the thing that keeps me going is my family, my amazing wife, my daughters and our grandchildren.
I often lay there at night, staring into the darkness and I think that I can’t go on any further. I think that it is time to end it, to stop the pain but I know that suicide doesn’t stop pain, it just passes it on and I couldn’t do that to my family!
My wife and this is where some may think I am bonkers, my wife is very spiritual, she gives me healing and even on the worst of nights, she lays her hands on my back and it is like I have been sedated.
Her hands get so hot and I drift off to sleep!
So if you see a post from me on social media that is supposed humour and you think ‘that is wrong’, it is most likely the fact that I am having a high pain day and by making myself laugh, I get a tiny boost to help me make it through the day!
I am also brutally honest, I have no time for dishonesty anymore, I like many used to lie to hide my anxiety, make excuses why I couldn’t do something. Now, I just tell the truth and I tell it even if it may not be nice or needed.
Mark twain said
“If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything”