Until very recently I thought I was alone with the way I felt, its hardly surprising because it wasn’t the sort of thing that I was willing to admit, I thought people would say I was a drama queen, but a couple of tweets made me realise others felt the same way!
The worst area for pain is my left knee, I’ve told the consultant but he laughed and said “it can’t hurt, its metal”, but it does and I would go as far as to say that it’s the worst pain I have ever felt. I have felt intense pain before, I was 17 when I was hit by a car whilst crossing the road, a year or so later my appendix burst and that was intense, I’ve crashed a car into a ditch, been stung by a scorpion and sat through an episode of Dallas!
So recently I saw a couple of tweets and the general gist was one feeling like they wanted to stick a knife in the joint as the pain was so bad and another just feeling like they literally wanted to tear the limb off. I felt a sense of relief as I read these feelings that had been laid open to the world, my knee hurts so intensely without end and the feeling that maybe physically attacking that pain with a knife at times seems justifiable.
As for tearing it off, well that would be physically impossible but I have begged several consultants to amputate my left leg, so far none have been willing to take me up on the offer and this is despite the fact that I tried to appeal to their orthopaedic urges of loving to saw bones. I even told one consultant that I might do it myself with a circular saw, he offered to refer me to a psychiatrist.
I guess that if you have never suffered this level of pain for a prolonged period of time then you might think me mad and that I should have accepted that referral, I would like to reassure you that I’m not brave enough to inflict that injury upon myself and I also realise that I would bleed to death very quickly.
Somehow seeing that someone else felt these same urges has helped, obviously I’m not happy to find out that someone else is having to endure this level of pain but the connection was very comforting. Many people don’t agree with sharing personal feelings online, my mother feels this way and will constantly berate me for using social media, settings it’s damaging and dangerous and she fails to see that it can be cathartic.
Until next time!